#37. we second guess

I can't sleep and I do not want to do anything about it. I used to force myself to sleep, God knows why. From pills for healthy sleep patterns and my trusty body shop body mist. I don't feel all that tonight. I feel like staying awake and think about the rest of my life like I am old. -_-

2010 came just like that. I anticipate 2010 for the longest time because 2009 wasn't that good, but 2009 made me a stronger person. I understand now, why me. Its because He knows I am strong enough to overcome it and that I will come out from all of this alive. The weak didn't get to go through what I did because if they were to go through it they'll die. hah! I am not saying I went through ALL THAT, but it was my "trying" year. This year, I'll come out stronger. This 2010, changes will inevitably happen, as such:

1) I am graduating this year.
2) I will be meeting the real world.
3) I will be working FULL TIME.
4) THIS IS FUCKING REAL.

I do not have any new year resolutions. I just want to be happy. (or happier) considering that i am slowly recovering from my pessimist-ism and such. I'll try to not get hurt because it suck. Having to do a do-over. I am too tired and too busy for such stuff. My dad would say boys can wait, I'll know when its time, and only I will know when its time. well, everything is most definitely in God's mighty hands. Every year its the same old shit. boys who hurt. boys who don't understand. that. same old shit. same. and trust me, IT IS THE SHITTIEST. I wasn't strong and I let it come to me. I always thought i needed a guy to be there. I always thought I needed to be in a relationship to feel wanted. In fact, I don't, all i ever needed was for me to love myself enough. Everything else will fall into place.

I promise myself, not to hurt myself.

good ayeee?

#36. I guess.

 "Life doesn't give you the people you want. It gives you the people you need. To help you. To hurt you. To love you. To leave you. And to make you into the person you were meant to be."

-via poetic heartache.

#35. twenty ten.

The past twelve months have moved past me in the fastest way possible and i am somewhat glad it did. 2009 gave me another chance at love, gave me a chance to see who my friends really are. It gave me yet another chance to grow. Lets all bid farewell to 2009, and may 2010 be another chance for us to get it right. (again)


God knows what i am going to make right. 2009 is over and i am glad it is. I am thankful for the many people who tried to "make" or "break" my year but its' over. I'll take the lead now. I am not any follower now. I'll do what's right and say no to you. 


I will not allow any of you to take my things.
I will not allow any of you to hurt my feelings.
I will not allow any of you in to ruin my 2010.
I will not allow any of you to use me abuse me or anything like that.
I am not for play and you can go to hell.


please. i will get angsty, crazy and i will contemplate to ignore any of you, for a long time.


This 2010 will be better.
It will be different.
AMAZINGLY different.


:)

#34. will happiness come knocking?

 #30. Its time.

Change is good. Challenge the norm. Surround yourself with people who love and support you. Who correct you out of love.  Know when to embrace your own solitude. Take a step back sometimes but also know when to take risks. Be grateful for every awakening day. Enjoy life. Laugh more. Don’t dwell on the negatives. Use obstacles to obtain the lessons that should be learned. Expand your horizon. Love more. Hate never. Kiss more. Hug more. Don’t create regrets. Try new things. Live your life. It’s short. Do it up. Our days are numbered.

Which only means i need to get out more, away from you. My past 2 years wasn't exactly how i wanted it to be, because of you. I didnt get to do what i want to do because of you. Yes i cannot choose you, but I have a choice to tell you, you're wrong all this time. I am not saying i am right but, you're wrong. You love me for all the wrong reasons and care for me for all the wrong reasons. Yes you've cared, yes you've loved but i think you've been blinded for God knows what reason and I think I have been the most patient person besides D to tolerate your mood swings, your i-do-not-effing-understand behavior etc etc. Yes i did screw up last year, but this year? I tried so hard to put everything into place but have you seen it? Or you just refuse to acknowledge it. If you think they can help you then why? Then why do you ALWAYS end up asking me for help? I am not your here for your benefit. I love you, but do you?

I was with you when you needed me, I cancel plans to be with you. I drag the people around me to just be with you. Did you see all that? No. For obvious reasons, I am still here, even if it hurts, even when you're hurting me. But i still pray that with time, you'd realize i am real, i am here. Its the last of 2009, you already ruin it, surprised? i am not. :(


Oh god, help.

please?